adopting out of foster care???

I received an email chock full of great question about adopting out of foster care. I thought I would post my responses since Adam and I had similar questions when we first switched gears from our Colombian adventure to US foster care. My hope is that it may help anyone who is debating a similar decision. :)

–rachel

I was wondering if you could help educate us a bit more on the US foster care adoption process??

Adoption out of foster care varies by state, and even by county. But I will share our experience specific to Nevada. Our initial foster/adoption license was approved in July 2010. Our open beds showed up in the DFS system in August. In September, we were contacted by a worker in the adoption department with a potential placement. (She was given our profile by our initial licensing worker) In our county, a HART team is who decides which family will get the adoption placement. The team chose us for the placement of Jo Jo, Brian, and Annie in Mid-October, and we brought our kids home on Halloween. A lot of the time, there is a transition period from the current foster home to the permanent home (usually around a month or so). But in our case, the kids were with a foster mom who really wanted them to move on quickly. We met the kids on Friday, and picked them up on Saturday. CRAZY, albeit awesome!

Before diving into the foster care system, we were under the impression that there was a foster-to-adopt program, but it seems that is out of vogue in most states now. There is not a separate license or training for adoption. It is the same training and same license. I have a friend in my neighborhood who has fostered and adopted off and on for years. Most recently, she and her husband decided to adopt out of foster care. She contacted our adoption worker and had a placement of two siblings (ages six and two) within a month. They are moving toward adoption finalization. I have another friend in Washington State who had a “slam dunk” adoption placement… She recently lost both of the siblings after three years. Very sad for the adoptive parent, but a reality when dealing with so many moving parts and people.

Do you know if it is possible (or likely) that we could adopt a sibling group of either 2 or 3 children up to age 8 or even younger?

Possible and likely. I do not believe the state systems place age limits on the adoptive or foster parents like International programs can and do. In that respect, there is not a problem for the two of you. And, in my limited experience, it seems that there are many many sibling groups that need homes. The age ranges are so wide and varied, I do not think it would be difficult to fit your parameters. Our placement was 6, 5, and 3. My girlfriend’s recent placement was 6 and 2. My other girlfriend’s placement was 2 and 0.

Is it easier to adopt a sibling group of 3 rather than 2 (is there more or less availability do you know)?

In my searching, I have found the larger the group the less there are to choose from. There are many one child and two child placements available. The reason the larger groups are more readily available is because people are less likely to take a placement of more than two. Sooo, fewer larger groups, but more people willing to take the smaller groups. I think it pretty much equals out…and if we are committed can find the children that fit, and belong, in our home.

How long did your process take? Do you get a referral? or how does it work? Do you have to foster before adopting?

For us, that first placement out of Foster Care was very fast and easy….since we had no complications with bio parents rights and such (both parents are completely off the grid), the adoption process went quickly. In Nevada, the children must be placed in the home for six months before the actual adoption process can move forward. Our adoption was finalized in August of 2011–9.5 months after placement. (it actually could have been June, but Adam was traveling for work).

You do not have to foster before adopting. In fact, at least here in Nevada, if you have a foster placement while you are being considered for an adoption placement, they will not place the referral with you because they are unwilling to displace the current foster children in your home to make the adoption placement happen. That meant for us, that we could not take any temporary foster placements while we were waiting to hear if we would get our kids…just in case.

How certain were you that parents rights had been relinquished? Do your children have contact with bio-family members and is it a requirement?

Our placement was technically a Legal Risk placement, which most coming out of foster care are. Rights had not been terminated, but were schedule to be in January. We knew that information going in. We also knew there was an uncle in California that was also a possibility (however small) who would come forward and decide to take them. But mom and dad had not been in the picture at all for over a year (our kiddos were abandoned) so the team felt fairly confident that they would not reemerge at the last minute. That meant we didn’t have to schedule visitations before rights were terminated.

As for extended bio family contact, we are completely open to it. But as of now, grandpa and uncles have shown no interest in any kind of communication. If that day comes, we will consent to whatever we feel is best and appropriate for the children.

Required contact with bio family is part of what you negotiate at the time your adoption agreement is drawn up. We worked on this with our adoption worker who is assigned by DFS to help facilitate the adoption with all parties. This is the time when you also negotiate for any adoption subsidies, medicaid, treatments, etc… Again, ours was pretty straight forward since there are no medical issues, and parents are gone. I have a friend who’s daughter was adopted as an infant out of foster care, and she has visitation written into her agreement. The child is now five, and visits her birth family regularly.

Do you have any contacts to help us get started with foster care adoption? We contacted the person in charge of foster care adoption in our county but she is slow to respond. I was wondering if there is someone who facilitates adoptions between states to contact?

The facilitation between states is called ICPC. Each state’s child welfare program has an ICPC office. I’m sure you could find your state’s by googling it, or calling the general number for your CPS offices. But here is what I know:

In order to adopt from any state, you must have a home study, just like with a private adoption. In Nevada, we aren’t allowed to have a private agency do our home study for foster care. Some states do. So our home study was done by our licensing worker as part of our training. That was actually great because it was free…except for fingerprinting and background. Very different from international. :) The possible downside to this is, as we are looking at adopting from other states, we seem to be stymied on one of the national boards because we don’t have an actual “agency” or “worker” helping us. We are hoping this will resolve itself.

Here are the US foster care based websites we search most often:

www.adoptuskids.org (national site with tons of information…and a children’s gallery of waiting children)

www.adoptex.org (this is a regional site, but it gives you an idea of what is out there. And sometimes the profiles will say they are accepting homestudied couples from all states….so worth checking out)

All in all, adoption from foster care is real. It is possible. If you are seriously considering it, I would see if your county holds regular information meetings on foster care. We were actually required to attend one here before being allowed to move forward. You could also find out how you “get started” to foster in your county and just start the process….you will quickly have your basic questions answered. It will also give you a feel for working with CPS in your county, and if that is right for you. That’s what we did. After the first meeting, we dove straight in, and had our questions answered along the way.

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adoption decisions

I was reading a blog recently where an adoptive mom of eight just announced another adoption of two.  There has been some backlash from her circle of influence. She feels the questioning and finger pointing already beginning. And I take pause. We have yet to feel that from our own person circle. Well, at least, you have all been kind enough to question and judge behind closed doors. :) Even still, I am left wondering what our friends and family will say when we announce that we are officially adopting again.

Adam has always been on board with the idea of more children. I, on the other hand, seem to be dragged kicking and screaming most of the time. So it stands to reason that when we adopted our second sibling group I was sure we were done. I only ever wanted five kids to begin with! Seven was a stretch to consider, but I knew the foster placement was right, whatever the outcome. So I plunged in, and now look.  I can’t imagine our lives without Jo Jo, Brian, and Annie. They are so fun, and they have woven seamlessly into our family dynamic. They are thriving in school, at church, and at home. I couldn’t ask for more. After their bio parents’ choices were made, they were meant to be with us.

We’ve been talking about “one more” adoption for awhile now. We have finally been approved through foster care for an adoption placement of ‘two more only.’ (yes, our licensing department is anti-big family….but what can we do?) We know that we could adopt internationally if we wanted a larger sib group. And there is the possibility of adopting out of state through ICPC…essentially adopting from a different state’s foster care system. We are not sure how it will play out, but the winds have begun to shift, and I can’t deny the change I feel coming to our family. Whatever that may look like.

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beautiful faces, finally!

The adoption of our beautiful foster children is finally complete. And now…..a few of our favorite pics from 2011, faces and all. :)

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Birthdays

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Easter

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Hiking

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And Just Plain Ole Fun

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most uncool update ever

I don’t have any fun pictures. I don’t have anything very clever to say. I just feel like a big loser (and not in a good way) for not posting for so long. What has happened to me? I would use the excuse that I am a busy mom of seven now, but we all know that we can find time for what we love. And I LOVE blogging so what is my problem? Why am I a loser blogger lately?

It is not for lack of content!

I have a four year old that peed on her 10 year old sister’s bed the other day during nap time. Why didn’t she pee in the toilet, or on the floor, or even on her own bed? Why Ezzy’s bed? Oh, because she was mad at me for putting her down for a nap while Ezzy stayed up and had mommy time. Oh yeah! And after a day of isolation, she finally gave up the truth, which I knew all along…once again proving my theory that we expect way too little from our munchkins these days. She knew exactly what she was doing, and could remember the reason a whole day later.

Annie’s current favorites–”stuck like glue,” building cakes out of legos, and telling me that she “needs some love!”

I have a five year old that has gone from being completely non-verbal to motoring a million words a minute. Bri Bear has a long way to go in expressiveness and identifying emotions, but he has come soooo far. My friend looked at me the other day at Friday Brunch and said “is that your kid? are you sure?” because he was talking so much. He HAS a voice now. Awesome. We just got him qualified for some OT stuff, which is great. He needs a little extra push to help with some of his motor skills. Dream Therapies is literally around the corner from our new house. They provide Hippotherapy so he’ll get to ride horses too. Actually, all three of the Littles have qualified for programs there. So they will all get horsy rides. :)

Bri’s current favorites– “i love to see the temple,” memorizing easy books and repeating them to me, and practicing on his bike.

I have a toothless seven year old who is loving school. He is reading on grade level now, and trying really hard to engage in the family. We have started weekly psych sessions to help Joey express some of his buried feelings. His behavior is over-the-top passive aggressive so we are working on learning how to communicate and engage with people directly. The psychologist is also helping him identify emotions and practice them. I feel really good about the different therapies we are trying. We didn’t have a lot of available resources when we adopted the ninos because everything cost so much out of pocket. But the state does a great job at providing resources for the children. We are trying to take advantage of those opportunities before the kids are officially “ours!”

Joey’s current favorites–”itsy bitsy spider,” reading reading reading, riding his scooter.

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jolly little ninos, 2010

Merry Christmas from our Seven Shining Stars.

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Can’t wait to show the Littles’ faces…

Posted in adoption, christmas, foster | 4 Comments

over a month now

It is actually approaching six weeks (on Friday) since we picked up the new kiddos. WOW! It kind of feels like business as usual around here now. The exhaustion and emotion subsided long ago. It’s really really good. Working with DFS has actually been really great (knock on wood). Our opinion seems to be respected. And all the people on our Child/Family Team support our decisions. The kids’ caseworker is very matter-of-fact, which is how we like it. We are treated like big kids! The children’s psychologist is leaving the department…*tear, tear* we love Mr. D. But we are happy for him to explore a new path in the psych world.We got a bit of good news today. Of course, nothing is for sure until papers are signed at our adoption hearing. However, things are looking better and better for our family. :) We’ll know “for sure” in another month or so.

Annie has recently started seeking me out for hugs and kisses and ‘i love yous’ initiated solely by her. That is huge. She is also in a new “I know you love me enough that I can be bad” phase. It is pretty funny to watch. And she has gotten pretty attached to her time-out spot on the wall this week. We are hoping this phase is completed as quickly as the other attachment phases were. Regardless, she is adorable. And her bad is other kids’ good….so we’ll take it. Plus, she’s three so I know some of it is totally normal. I have taught her how to put herself down for naps and for bed. That’s the best part.

Bri Bear asked me two questions yesterday–all on his own. Amazing! He is talking more and more. I still can’t get over that he came to me, called me by name, and then asked verbally what he was wondering in his head. Major breakthrough. I don’t think we’ve had a freaking out tantrum for three or four weeks. He’s only three, one on the hike, and two in his room. Oh wait, he did have a problem last week, but he had been really sick with cold sores covering his entire mouth. He wasn’t able to talk at all for a few days while they healed so he was super frustrated. I let that tantrum go more easily than the others. :)

While Annie and Bri Bear continue to make attachment strides, Joey is having a rougher time of it. He did better in the beginning because he is used to faking it, and he is now starting to regress. Joey has never had so much expected of him, and so much given to him in terms of temporal and emotional attention. We expect a lot, and we give a lot in return. Since he has no choice but to engage in this little McFamily, he is slowly figuring out his place. And it is little stuff that he has issues with like chatting and touching in class, or not answering us the first time a question is asked, or crying instead of using his words when something is wrong. We’re not talking about smearing feces and catching cats on fire.

I am pretty sure that he was wishing all night last night that he hadn’t talked too much at school because he wasn’t allowed to speak the entire time we were out for family night. That really sucked for him, and for us, because he had been given multiple chances to shape up the last week in school. We went to hear The Desert Chorale’s Christmas concert at UNLV. The music was so good, and the kids were all really into it. But poor Joey had to just watch…arms folded the whole time. And he didn’t get a donut or hot chocolate after. *no, not the donut and hot chocolate privilege* We’ll see what today’s report looks like. :)

Overall, everything is really positive. It helps that we have been through it before. It really helps! FYI–none of the kids speak in Spanish at all now. Annie and Bri Bear didn’t have much language to begin with, and Joey preferred English because of school so the language barrier has been minimal. Maybe I’ll actually have a kid or two reading on grade level when they start school. Wouldn’t that be nice!

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the mommy way

We have had the Littles for over two weeks now. I just posted pictures on the family blog. You cannot see the new kids’ faces, but you can at least get an idea of how awesome they are. :)

We are still overwhelmed by the well wishes and love that has been shown to us. These Littles are perfectly made for our family. They complement our ninos in all the right ways. We have fallen fast for each of their personalities. And I have personally adjusted faster than I ever thought possible to seven children. It is actually pretty easy–knock on wood. And what I mean is, what is another three when you already have four. *slightly sarcastic, but mostly serious*

Going from zero to four was much more difficult. Even if you factor out the orphanage mentality, language barriers, and culture shock. It was still more difficult because I had only myself to worry about for years and years. Although Adam and I were excited and ready to make the leap into an instant family, there was much adjusting to be done on our end…not just the on ninos’.

This time around, though, I am already a mom. I have mommy routines and expectations. I have a mommy car and a mommy purse. I have a mommy mentality about everything. And I have four children who are accustomed to my mommy ways. So the three newbies are basically inserted into a culture that we have cultivated over the past two and a half years. They add to it, but it already exists. What we created with the ninos we are now extending with the Littles. Since the ninos are great at modeling my expectations, discipline is business as usual. That is huge. Example: We did not have to teach Joey to stand on the wall for time out. He had seen the other kids do it so when it was his turn, he knew exactly what to do. BLESSING!

I sure like being a mom. I am not perfect, but I try to be a reflective practitioner of my craft so that I continue to improve. It is pretty much the best job on earth. No matter how my children have come into my home, I am glad they are here, and that I get the opportunity to practice the mommy way!

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day seven update

Our initial growing pains seem to be subsiding. Thank goodness. I haven’t cried since Monday…that’s a very good sign. I know we will have more in the future, but the new children are blending into our routines very well–better than expected, actually.

Joey’s chore is to sweep under our table after each meal. He is the best sweeper in the house, and he’s only six. In fact, Nikki thinks it is the best thing ever because that was one of her chores. :) He starts school tomorrow, and is chomping at the bit. That is a good sign too. Joey was in desperate need of boundaries and structure. Seven days later, he is no longer wandering around at dinner time. He is asking to say the prayer at meals. And he actually went right to sleep in his bed last night. He hasn’t done that for about 10 months now apparently.

Bri Guy is such a sweet little man. He is so far behind in language development, and in both gross and fine motor skills. However, there is nothing “wrong” with him. He is willing and eager to learn. He is still trying to figure out his role around here, but he is anxious to help. Bri climbed up on my lap the last two night for love and attention. I am almost positive that didn’t happen at all at the other house. It makes me feel good to see that we are doing something right. But it makes me feel even better to see him smile and laugh uncontrollably. I don’t think there was much joy in his life since he was abandoned.

Annie is snuggly and cuddly and adorable. She listens. She goes down for naps and bedtime without complaint. The first couple of days she wasn’t used to the whole nap thing, but she definitely still needs them…and so do I. There’s not much else to say about her. The only thing we are working on with her is asking politely. She isn’t used to asking nicely or having to wait for anything. But when we correct her she is compliant and amiable about it. That’s a really good sign. I am vigilant about dressing her and doing her hair without help from my girls. She is still learning to bond and attach to me as mom. Between those two things, and rocking her occasionally, I don’t think it will take long.

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A huge thanks to everyone who has bought or provided clothing for us. We really appreciate your thoughtfulness.
We are working on blurring faces so that we can still post pictures now and again. We have a great photo of all seven from Halloween that we will post soon.

Our CFT (child family team meeting) is today in the afternoon so I should know more on Uncle’s status etc…we are, of course, hoping to adopt them, but we have also come to terms with the fact that we might just be foster parents to them while they transition to Uncle. Only time will tell.

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day two update

Better than expected! Only two meltdowns so far (from the same child). Since we have done this before we are hoping the honeymoon phase is over quickly so that we can get down to business, and move on. :)

CLOTHES AND STUFF
Once again, the children came to us with only one pair of dress shoes. At least, these kiddos’ shoes fit them. So we only had to buy tennis shoes and sandals yesterday. Everyone has enough clothes except for Annie. We went shopping for a couple of warmer outfits today for her. I still need to find out if our school is a uniform school or not. That will help me better determine clothing needs.

Adam is busily hanging curtains and installing door alarms and a gate. Joey confirmed with us that he does sleepwalk quite a bit so we thought is was still a good idea to put the gate up. The girls and I also went out and bought each of the new children their own sets of crayons, colored pencils, and coloring books. I swear I am reliving Fall 2008, and that is an awesome blessing.

PERSONALITIES
Annie–adorable, always smiling, used to having her way and not being told no. She mixes her English and Spanish really well, and parrots every English phrase that she hasn’t heard before. She has already started using yes and look in English (just in one day). She is a good eater. This one is so young and so outgoing that it won’t take long for her to acclimate.

Bri Guy–very shy and private, not used to a lot of positive praise, very much like a toddler, The kids picked out some sunglasses for him, and he wears them night and day. He holds onto them and won’t let go. I can tell that the past year has affected him the very most. He is caught in between the toddler years and beyond without the language and emotional capacity to express his frustrations. We have stripped it down to thumbs up and thumbs down, which seems to be working. He could potentially be my favorite once we get past the initial issues. I know what strides we have made with Juan, and how far he has come. I see that potential in Bri.

Joey–positive, smart, well-adjusted, happy. This kid is fluent in both Spanish and English, Amazing. I do not struggle at all in having conversations with him. He is eager to learn, to help, and to try new things. He latched onto Danny yesterday for guidance. And today he has bonded with Juan over coloring and first grade activities. It is really great to watch him take to both boys. I know that we will have tantrums or melties down the road with him. But we only had a handful that I can remember with Danny. Joey is a lot like Danny so we might escape his transition with few issues. Today, I asked him what his other foster mom told him about us. He said that he was coming to stay with us forever. I asked him how he felt about that and he said he was happy and glad to have a family. Who does that sound like? He is also very used to his brother’s meltdowns at the other house so it has not affected him here. He doesn’t associate the tantrums with us. That is a blessing.

Is there a little craziness here? Sure. But it seems like just more of the same. We run a pretty calm and orderly household so it is not as chaotic as one might think. The children are already calling us mom and dad. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop that because of our other four children. But it still makes me a little sad because I know there is that slim chance that they will lose us. I want whatever permanent transition they have to be as smooth and seamless as possible. And I don’t want to add to any heartache that they already hold on to.

As I write this, Annie is running and giggling up the stairs saying, “Daddy, daddy!” How can that not make me smile. :)

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checking it all off

A big thank you to my sister and friends for rallying today.

1. Girls’ bedroom–check
2. Boys’ bedroom–check
3. Costumes–almost check…need to buy one costume
4. Boys’ clothes–check…realizing that I don’t have as many size XS as I thought

Beds are made. Walls are decorated. Basics are purchased. And a gift for each nino. We will do some fun shopping with the children this weekend for church clothes, shoes, etc. But other than that we are ready to rock! As ready as we’ll ever be, I guess.

I am seriously so blessed that I have friends and family who do not wait to be asked to help, especially at a time where so much needs done and my brain is racing a million miles a minute. Whether it is tangible help here at the house, or a text from a dear friend far away acknowledging that they wish they were here to help, I really appreciate the support.

So blessed!

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