Let’s be honest, this is kind of weird for me! I’m not used to blogging withoutÂ cool pictures and awesome content like trips andÂ holidays to draw inspiration from. I’m hopingÂ this part ofÂ our blogÂ site will be more like an adoptionÂ journal (including back journaling). There is so much about our fertility/adoption journey that I want to remember, preserve, and ultimately share. I’ve been meaning to start this for a LONG time now. I guess the thought of a little family on the way has spurred me to action. :)
I’m sure some people (even myself at times) wonder why? Why wouldÂ I want to share something so personal, so deep, and, at times, so sad? I haveÂ deliberated over and debated about this quite a bit. My main motives are as follows:
- I want to put pen to my thoughts…to my pain and to my joy. The feelings I have felt the past few years have been real and intense and long-lasting. I don’t want to forget a single moment.Â No matter how painful, I want to rememberÂ every time a friend or sisterÂ announced a pregnancy, every time I miscarried, every time I was poked, prodded, and paraded in front of doctors, and every time we vacillated between remaining childless, pursuing adoption, or continuing to endure fertility treatment. IÂ MUST Remember! Otherwise, my trial means nothing. It is in the remembering that I draw strength. Journaling is obviously cathartic for me.
- I want to preserve the lessons learned. By journaling my experiences, I solidify the growth within me. I neverÂ knew I was capable of so much compassion. Don’t get me wrong–I still have a long way to go. However, I feel more deeply forÂ thoseÂ in the midst ofÂ trials…I am much more cognizant. I am much quicker to give comfort. I am more sensitive.Â I allow myself to cry more.
- I want to share this story with my children, and perhaps others. My children will need to know one dayÂ whatÂ I went through in findingÂ them, and howÂ I was led to each of them.Â They will need to know that just as they endured tragedy and cruelness before they came to us, we endured much sadness and trialÂ before bringing them home. They will need to know how unconditional our love is for them.
My end goal is to put all of my thoughts and experiences into a book…mostly as a gift to myself and my children. It is the only way I know how to make sense of what I’ve experienced. I look forward to writing down many things here. I hope that any of those peeking in on my personal journey will reverence it and enjoy it.