I HATE FedEx Kinkos! I think I can really say that I HATE FedEx Kinkos–not every FedEx Kinkos, just Logan FedEx Kinkos!!! As the above picture indicates, we have many things to mail every week. We snapped this pic on one of our mailing excursions. Now, it’s not the actual shipping that I hate. I find it quite enjoyable checking my ‘adoption to-do list’ off each time I send a package. This week, alone, we sent something to Nevada, Virginia and Washington Secretaries of State, National Passport Center, and the FBI. I checked lots of my list. Wahoo! 

It’s the “ever so slow, ineffecient, obtuse, and cranky service employees” that I can’t stand. Most of you know I am very good at waiting my turn. I even gave them the benefit of the doubt not once, not twice, but three times before passing judgment. This time Adam and I both had had it. I think we actually rolled our eyes at each other and laughed right in front of the lady (a few times).

Come on FedEx counter checkers! Could you be a little kinder, a little faster, and a little more interested in the service of your clients. If we didn’t have to have an account with you for various adoption mailings…I would sooooooo go to UPS. That’s right, you heard me, UPS, UPS, UPS! The Logan UPS store is fabulous at customer service. Too bad neither store will ever see this post.

My worst fear has been quashed. Adam really isn’t a felon. :) [haha]

Our BCI’s (background checks) cleared this week. YEAH!!! Finally, some good news around here. We didn’t think they would come in until February or March. That means we need to get our booties in gear and finish our portion of the homestudy. We’re almost there. Considering the many slowdowns on our end this past month–this essentially catches us up and puts us back on track. We are still crossing our fingers for a travel date in September.

Yesterday, Adam and I attended an “adoption education” lecture in Layton, which meant a 1.5 hour drive each way plus 3 hours of lecture time. Needless to say, it was a full day of sitting. I knew I would be uncomfortable, bloated, and running to the bathroom. Plus, I wasn’t really sure I wanted to jump back into adoption prep for a couple of weeks. Against my better judgment I joined my husband for the day. I figured if I was going to be miserable, I’d like to be miserable next to him!!! Plus, I had that pesky feeling that I should just go.

I am sooooooooo glad I went. As I sat and listened, it felt as though I was home….like I hadn’t missed a beat or been away. It felt natural. It felt good. It felt right. I walked out of the seminar feeling invigorated about what we are doing. I know this is something we’re supposed to do. The best part is that I’m excited about it, even through the miscarriage. And I’m not sure I would be if I hadn’t followed my instincts yesterday. Adam, most likely would’ve found me drowning my sorrows in a gallon of sinfully chocolatey ice creamy goodness. The entire experience made the figurative and literal pain of the miscarriage pale in comparison to the hope we have  of a future family.

Don’t worry–we’re still human. We had our Cryfest tonight, together. I knew it would come sooner or later. It’s part of the beautiful mourning process. I’m just glad that this time it was sooner than later. We are so grateful to have each other. I am especially grateful for the sensitivity and thoughtfulness of my wonderful husband.

We lost our fourth baby this week. That’s the short of it. Part of me is numb, and part of me aches. I told Adam yesterday to give me a few days of ice cream and doing nothing, and I would be better. Three years ago I could not say that. But now, I know the drill! I’m a little older, and a little wiser. I know my part in the grieving process. And surprisingly, I feel pretty good about it all. I think I even feel up to getting back to my diet on Monday. I was doing so good before the pregnancy.

The best part about myself, the part I am MOST proud of is that I Choose to see hope in my future as a mother. I Choose to move on with the adoption w/o hesitation. I Choose to have a magnificent marriage. I Choose to wade through the frustrations of fertility with a sense of humor. I Choose to be strong–knowing that I am worth more than the ability to have a child.  

If I don’t move forward, I fall backward…and I choose not to do that. Adam and I have invested too much of ourselves to get mired in the “what-ifs.” I’m not sure if we’ll be able to have a biological child in this lifetime, but I know we’ll be parents. I take comfort in knowing that none of our lives are exactly how we planned, but if we do the best we can, it is the perfect life for each of us. We each teeter between justice and mercy, and with Christ’s help we are perfectly balanced. How I choose to handle my trials is what keeps me balanced, not the trials themselves. I consider this persective a gift–and I am grateful for the brilliance of it all.

Tomorrow is always better than today!!!!!!!!!!!

I can’t help but think we are losing our baby. I made it to eight weeks yesterday. And yet, I am not comforted. I try my hardest to think positively, but it doesn’t help. My life is currenty consumed by cramping and bleeding. I lie in bed all day long, for that is the only thing that helps to calm my symptoms. Finally, I go to the doctor tomorrow. We are hoping for some answers. We are hoping to see a heartbeat. We are hoping our baby is OK. However, I think I know what we are going to find and what the doctor is going to say.

 It is difficult for me, at this point, to think about adoption. Not that I don’t want to go forward, just that I’ve been here before, and I know what it takes emotionally to recover and move on. Luckily, my husband is able to compartmentalize things a little better than I. He keeps me anchored to the things that I really want. I don’t even have the motivation right now to finish our homestudy paperwork. I feel like focusing on the adoption takes my energies away from the pregnancy. And the pregnancy needs everything I have right now.

I had another check-up yesterday. And once again, we have ambiguous answers. The good news is that there is a sac in the uterus, which means no ectopic pregnancy. Phew! This is the first time EVER that we’ve been able to see anything on an ultrasound. The bad news is that my quant numbers are low and I’m measuring at five weeks instead of seven. I’ve also had some spotting, cramping and bleeding. All of these factors together have my doctor and I leaning toward an eventual miscarriage.

However, the miscarriage is not imminent, and we are hopeful. Even if I do miscarry, I’ve made it further than ever before, which is awesome. And having seen something inside the uterus means implantation is possible–Amazing. My doctor also said that sometimes with a mishap-en uterus, which I have, it takes a few implantations and miscarriages to stretch out the uterus enough to carry a fetus past 20 weeks. I never knew that before! She is amazing. I wish I was staying in Washington so that she could be my full-time doctor.