We lost our fourth baby this week. That’s the short of it. Part of me is numb, and part of me aches. I told Adam yesterday to give me a few days of ice cream and doing nothing, and I would be better. Three years ago I could not say that. But now, I know the drill! I’m a little older, and a little wiser. I know my part in the grieving process. And surprisingly, I feel pretty good about it all. I think I even feel up to getting back to my diet on Monday. I was doing so good before the pregnancy.
The best part about myself, the part I am MOST proud of is that I Choose to see hope in my future as a mother. I Choose to move on with the adoption w/o hesitation. I Choose to have a magnificent marriage. I Choose to wade through the frustrations of fertility with a sense of humor. I Choose to be strong–knowing that I am worth more than the ability to have a child.
If I don’t move forward, I fall backward…and I choose not to do that. Adam and I have invested too much of ourselves to get mired in the “what-ifs.” I’m not sure if we’ll be able to have a biological child in this lifetime, but I know we’ll be parents. I take comfort in knowing that none of our lives are exactly how we planned, but if we do the best we can, it is the perfect life for each of us. We each teeter between justice and mercy, and with Christ’s help we are perfectly balanced. How I choose to handle my trials is what keeps me balanced, not the trials themselves. I consider this persective a gift–and I am grateful for the brilliance of it all.
Tomorrow is always better than today!!!!!!!!!!!