Can anyone tell me why the San Jose airport has Free Wi-Fi, but LAX does not? Whatever the reason (and I have a few thoughts on the matter), I am grateful that Costa Rica offers the service. That means I can write this post en route to Bogota. I did have the usual pre-travel jitters, yesterday. It almost felt like adoption butterflies, but I quickly realized it was just anxiety taking hold as I was running out of time to finish my last minute preps. Regardless, all went well and we are almost there. We have one 2 hour flight left and we will touch down in Bogota.

Flying into Costa Rica is amazing. The mountain are spectacular. Although, I am sure the Andes will simply blow me away. The green jungle blankets the landscape. We decided it is very much like Guatemala. And what was Adam’s first response when we began our descent…”I bet there are some really great canyons down there.” *insert canyoneering wife’s roll of the eyes* I am sure he is right though. I know this trip is all about the adoption, but Adam and I haven’t been out of the States together since our honeymoon four years ago. This is a real treat for us…and I can cross South America off of my “seven continent quest.” Jaime Lynne says it is sweet justice that I am the one that finally gets to be out of the country for weeks. But then we decided that with four kids in tow, it’s not really justice–just sweet. :)

Okay, we have pictures that I will post from the hotel, which will be accompanied by a tragically funny luggage story…yes, the Rachel travel stories have already begun. I am so in my element here. I am sure that the children will become real to me in a few days, but for now it is absolutely surreal. Because of this, I’ve decided to focus on the awesome parts of traveling that are so dear to my heart. Almost time to board for our last leg. We love everyone so much. Thanks for all of the last minute support. We have received your phone messages and emails, and are grateful (even though I haven’t had much time to respond the past couple of days.)

Hey kids,

Well, we’re at four days and counting. Of course, that is four days until we leave for Bogota. We’re still 10 days away from smothering you with hugs and kisses. I am hard at work on your life-books. Hopefully, you will one day look back at the letters I wrote, the information I gathered , and the adoption entries I created for you and see them all as a gift. I want you to know where you came from and how much you were loved from the beginning. I also want you to see a progression in your papi and me. We love you very much, and we know that love continue to flourish as we grown into a larger family.

Your English tutor, Mario, gave me an update yesterday on how your sessions are going. I am so glad he is finally allowed to meet with you. I plan to help him the entire time I am in Bogota so that we can get a jump start on your English. Mario will be a great help for me the first few weeks since he is obviously fluent in Spanish.

I though I would copy the email here so that you have it one day. Also, I know all of your aunties, grandmas, and others who read this will get a kick out of it.

Hello rachel, how are you?
Today I started the lessons with the kids, we had two hours of class. We saw the vowels, some animals and numbers.
 
Daniel is a very clever boy and really likes to study. His writing is very good.
 
Esmeralda is also very smart, and she likes to do things.
 
Danieladoesn´t like to study very much, she always wants to go to the bathroom to avoid the class, but she is a very good girl and intelligent.
 
Finally Juan pablo, he is the youngest, he is very hyperactive and a very good boy. He does not know  how to write the letters, so I had to start teaching him how to do it.
 
That is my first impression of the kids.
Tomorrow I am going to have another class with them. 

Well, there it is, in all its glory. You will always know what my first impression of each of you academically was by the words written in this email. We are so blessed to have the use of the Internet. I would not have seen you moving around and speaking to me without it. I would not have a picture of you on my computer without it. I would not have the myriad of correspondence about things such as broken arms, anxieties, and school updates. We are very blessed little ones. I love you very much.

 –mami

I realized after reviewing the last couple of months of posting that I never finished discussing how I came to the decision to go forward with our adoption. It’s the most exciting post of the series, and I left it unfinished. The lead-up post to this one was full of grace (part 5). It is ironic, actually, that today would be the day I find an old notebook with the most important journal entry of the past four years written inside. The notebook contains a journal entry I wrote at work in November 2006. My dad asked me awhile ago if, how, and when I knew this is what we were supposed to do. I think what he was really asking me is am I really sure that this is supposed to be our path. I didn’t give him a full answer because we got sidetracked, but here it is…

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9 November 2006

Wow! Where do I go from here? I am frustrated, confused, amazingly disheartened and completely torn. One moment I want a baby–the next I couldn’t care less. Most of the time I feel like I shouldn’t even try–that we should “just” adopt. I think I am okay with that. In fact, I would be totally okay with it if I knew with certainty that there wasn’t a little unborn spirit(s) that needed to come to our family.

It’s like, do I do all that I can to “have” a baby and do the adoption thing part time OR do we focus on adoption and take bio babies as they come (if they come).  I have been trying to give equal time and emotional energy to both, and it is not working. I vacillate too much because I read fertility boards and books and adoption boards and books, and I go over the “what ifs” ALL THE TIME!

And being on the hormones makes me emotionally react as if I am pregnant–which means I cry all the time, I mean all the time. I feel like I have no control. What does it matter, really? If we can’t have a baby it is not the end of the world, I guess. The most important thing to me is that I am doing God’s will. That I can rise through this trial positively and with grace. I want him to be proud of me–I want him to see the personal growth I so badly strive for in adversity. “Woe is me” is not becoming, and it doesn’t help.

So I guess the only thing holding me back is A. fear of the unknown and B. the question, “am I doing God’s will by not pursuing further medical treatment?” It looks like it is solely between me and God. I hope he knows  how much I want to please him, and how much I want to be a mom! :)

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This letter reminds me clearly of the day, just a couple of weeks after writing it, we decided to stop treatments and start our adoption pursuit. I can taste it and smell it, and however painful it is, I am glad I remember…..

I was home by myself after work. Our “nursery, ” which I painted (big mistake) also housed some boxes of old papers. I went in to try and clean out some paperwork (another big mistake). I was sitting on the ground flipping through old files when I decided to lay down. I remember lying on the carpet looking up at a bookshelf containing nursery trinkets we had collected. I totally lost it. No, I seriously lost it. You all know the ugly cry. It was the ugly cry times 25. I can laugh now, but at the time it was completely tragic. I rocked back and forth crying and screaming holding a little white lamb that a friend had given me after our first miscarriage. I couldn’t stop crying. This went on for about an hour. My eyes were swollen shut and there was snot crusted to my face. I thought for sure the neighbors would here and think something awful. You know that if Rach didn’t care about that then it must have been pretty bad! :) I called my sweet husband and asked him to come home.

I was drowning. I kept clawing for solid ground, and couldn’t seem to find it. My mind was in a perpetual state of winter. There was no sunshine for a really long time, and I was so tired. The next hour I spent crying some more and praying and thinking. As I calmed myself down, a distinct warmth filled me. I was open because I had literally hit the bottom. I remember a still distinct voice. I can’t share more about the experience, but I can share that I was left with an assurity that adoption, international adoption for us specifically, is a blessing. It is good. It is right. It is nothing that I needed to feel guilty about. I knew, walking out of that nursery, that I would probably never hold a biological infant in this life. I also knew, walking out, that our quest to be parents and to adopt children would bless many lives, not just ours. And that is the moment where I found myself. That is the moment when I realized I wanted to be a mom more than I wanted to have a baby.

Adam came home and wrapped me in his arms. I told him what had happened, and we cried together for a really long time–sad and happy tears. When I told him that I didn’t want to take another pill or do one more test or go back to the fertility doctor, he smiled and said okay.  When I told him I didn’t care what our children looked like or where they came from, but that I just wanted to be a mom–he began to glow. I can still remember sitting on the couch, mostly in the dark, but seeing his countenance illuminate goodness and light. We chose then to adopt a sibling group from Colombia, and the rest is history. My husband has been a champion through this whole experience. He deserves so much more credit than I give him at times. He has been my rock and my soft place to fall. We are stonger and happier having gone through this problem, not around it–together.

There haven’t been many, but there have been a few days since when I have questioned our decision. To get through those moments and days I think back to that day in our empty nursery, and I REMEMBER. I am so grateful that the Lord has found me worthy to care for not one, but four of his children who need a family. I wouldn’t trade their sweet faces for anything–not even a baby.

Exactly one year from that experience in the nursery, we received a picture of our four children. The past four years have been simply awesome. I have grown as a woman and as a wife. I have had time to think and develop into the mother I want for my children. “…when the fiery trials come they either consume us or refine us.” (Ardeth Kapp) I feel more refined. I still have a long way to go, but I know that I will be a great mother because I choose to be refined!

My sincerest apologies to my readers for the downer I was yesterday. Although I still agree with everything I wrote, I probably should have waited to write it. As my close friends can attest to, I’ve been surprisingly patient, submissive, and calm the past couple month. I suppose now that we have a travel date, that mantel of protection is leaving me. Regardless, I am totally fine, and there are blue skies ahead.

I will probably be in big fat trouble for posting while I am in a bad mood! (Sorry, honey)

We put in our frequent flier request last night for our flight to Bogota. We found out today that our request was not granted, nor will it be. It is complicated and unfair, but there is nothing we can do about it. Regardless of this shocking and daunting news, we want to give a HUGE thanks to Adam’s friends at work who were willing to donate their miles for our family.

So flights now add an automatic $6000 to our already tapped out adoption account. Why $6000? Because we aren’t bringing home an infant. We have to buy six round trip adult fare tickets (Yeah, I know, the kids are only going one way. My fellow travel snobs know that it is almost always cheaper to buy round-trip internationally, even if you don’t need it.) It is $200/child cheaper to buy a round trip ticket than a one-way. They don’t put that in the adoption addendum. I’M JUST SAYING….

Okay, the day gets worse! We gathered for our last conference call with our caseworker, Raul, before traveling. Most of the hour-long conversation was positive and full of helpful information. I know that Raul loves the children of Colombia, and he tries his best to help things run smoothly. We are very grateful for that. What is the problem then, you ask? Well, remaining financial obligations are always a standard part of this conversation. This is what we learned:

1. We are financially responsible for transportation to/from all adoption related meetings and events. What? Are you kidding me? And again, I know that Raul is just the messenger. But please, I think that for $11,000 transportation should be included just as a translator is.

2. We now have a $1500 cash obligation for attorney fees to CRAN. This is the very first I have heard of this. Apparently, there was a $900 obligation all along that was itemized in our contract. But it just says “estimated attorney fees.” Okay, no one ever mentioned what that was or when it would be paid. But now the price has gone up, in the last two weeks, to $1500. What???

3. Oh yeah, and there is a $200 “document processing fee.” What I gathered from our phone conference is that that fee is for copies that are made of all the paperwork. $200 isn’t the end of the world, but we were just told today that we had to times that by 4…because it is per child. Just so we’re clear–I have to pay $800 to have copies made of my children’s adoption paperwork!!! Shouldn’t that also be included as part of our in-country fees that we paid?

Do you think I could offer to pack my printer and bring my own paper? Perhaps I should suggest it.

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I think those are the main shockers for the day. At least I hope so. Poor Adam! He caught me crying on the phone with Raul, on the phone with TACA airlines, on the phone with him, and at lunch. There wasn’t even any good reason. I know the money will work itself out somehow–maybe that money tree we planted will miraculously start producing by Wednesday. Or perhaps some long lost rich uncle will call with a gift on the other end. Maybe we overpaid our taxes one year, and we’ll shortly find out. :) In all seriousness though, I’ve been meaning to post our adoption expenses. A few people have asked what it entails…I’ll work on that so that those of you considering adoption, or are in the early stages, can catch a “real” glimpse of how much it costs. In our experience, it is decidedly more expensive than the spreadsheet that was provided to us in the beginning.

Okay, so the money part sucks! But what makes me sad and weepy is the abrupt fashion in which I have found all this out. It is the idea that even with how close we are to hugging our children–I am still not in control. After all of the money we have paid, paperwork we have filled out, and time we have spent being lectured on how to parent, I still feel like a little girl being told what to do.

Adoption is not the same as pregnancy….not by a long shot. Adoption is not covered by insurance. It is not accepted as a norm. It costs tens of thousands of dollars. It requires rigor, conviction, and motivation to keep the ball rolling. And it isn’t something that can physically and spontaneously occur. We methodically and carefully chose to welcome adoption into our lives.  

Please, please, please beloved friends and family, please separate these two cherished events for us. Comparing and contrasting the two makes me feel very sad, and sometimes angry. I do not know if I can put why into words right now. It probably wouldn’t make any sense. I can tell you that thoughts of pregnancy bring back emotionally charged and helpless feelings. Our children need me to be focused on their joy, not the sadness of failed pregnancies. For now, we ask that when we are in Colombia, and when we come home, that this adoption is celebrated as an adoption–with all its 10,000 special and distinct attributes.

Adam and I are completely humbled by the many acts of service–big and small–performed on our behalf. Our children are so lucky–and not because of us, but because of YOU! They have no idea how much goodness and love is about to envelope them.

Okay, Now that I’m crying again I think it is time to sign off. :) I know, I know…tomorrow is always better than today. Maybe I’ll go to bed early then.

This is a one minute clip from our 2nd conference with the kids. The sound is horrible, but you can see them. After the first few seconds, they are singing a traditional schoolchildren’s song. They’re having a great time! We have a great time watching it over and over! We have one more video call on Monday of next week and then off we go! Watch and enjoy.

What a day! We saw our children again. They were just as excited and happy as the first time (Adam’s working on the video we recorded). Also, we received our passports back from the Colombian Consulate with our travel visas attached. Could this day have gotten any better? Uh, yeah!

Official Travel Date–August Fifth. Well, that is actually the date we take “possession” of our children. We meet with CRAN officials at our hotel on Monday, the fourth, for an interview. We plan to fly in a few days before so we can be settled and rested. I hope to leave on Thursday the 31st since it is a full day of travel. 

We’re only talking a matter of a week and a half before we board a plane. How surreal is that? I am feeling myself slowly kicking into mission mode today. I am so grateful that we have another week to finish putting everything together here at the house.  

And we get one more visit with the kids next Monday. Apparently, they love to swim and want us to play soccer with them when we get to Bogota. Their favorite food is salad. Yeah, I said salad. Man, are they in for a rude awakening when eating with all their cousins. Daniel and Esmeralda are reading. The other two just started to learn. And they LOVED the photo albums we sent them. They went crazy when we asked if they like them. Man, I these kids are amazing. We’ll post the video and more picture (thanks, J) soon.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of adoption lately. Okay, that probably came out wrong. You must be thinking, duh, of course she thinks about adoption a lot, right? But the truth is, not really. The last few months I have been caught up in the preparation for the kids’ arrival…sorting clothes, buying a child-friendly car, moving into a house, decorating their rooms, and gathering school supplies. I’ve grown into the role of expectant mother–not just a woman thinking about adopting. 

Where I started and where I’ve landed in this process is quite dramatic. I started out hesitant, yet hopeful, which were all too familiar fertility feelings. I felt that way every time I was pregnant, every time I started a Clomid cycle, and every time I visited the doctor. So you can see why I didn’t put much stock in the thought that although I knew we were supposed to try and adopt that it would actually end up filling our home with children.

And here is the moment of truth for me. Adoption was and still is absolutely and unequivocally second choice for us. Actually, it was third choice. If I had to rank my fertility options it would’ve gone 1. natural pregnancy 2. fertility treatments/procedures 3. adoption 4. foster and 5. just the two of us. If the fertility clinic could have 100% guaranteed a successful pregnancy, I would’ve paid the money in a heartbeat. But they couldn’t!!!

The most brilliant part about this twisted trial is that all five of these options are beautiful. They are all good. They are all worthy of examination. That is what makes the choice difficult. Choosing one means leaving another behind–which means leaving a potential child behind! That was soooo hard for me. Adam and I were not emotionally equipped to keep seeing a fertility specialist while pursuing an adoption and signing up as foster parents. All of these options require much time and attention. They most definitely require all of your emotions and energy.

My four children, who I have only spoken to once directly, have taught me that they are just as worthy of loving parents as any child that I birthed. How ridiculous or prideful we would be to think anything else. The most loving and beautiful example I turn to when thinking of adoption is Jesus Christ. He was adopted by his earthly father who did a fantastic job, obviously. I can only hope Adam and I are as compassionate and kind as Joseph was to Jesus.

I tell people we are adopting all the time! How else do I explain adding four children of a different nationality to my family–it is what it is and I am proud of it. But in terms of Daniel, Esmeralda, Maria Daniela and Juan Pablo–they are just my children. I dream about them and speak about them as just “my kids.” This is one of the things I am most proud of. I love them just as they are, and I am privilged to be the one who gets to be their earthly mother.

Our children are real! What an amazing feeling. And, by the way, they are totally 5, 6, 7, and 8. They are normal, regular, high-energy, excitable KIDS. I know everyone is dying for the details. I’ll do my best…

The conference started an hour late due to technical difficulties. Finally, they brought the kids in and sat them down at the conference table. The adoption facilitator warned us that the children were very excited…and he was right. Not only were they excited to see us, but they were baffled by the technology. They couldn’t believe we were speaking and seeing each other through the screen. That was really cool. Of course, it resulted in the children trying to steal the microphone from each other so they could be the one to talk to us. Totally Cute!

And, there really wasn’t any ackwardness. The kids came in waving and trying to talk to us. Our hats are off to Colombia’s adoption preparation…the kids seem adjusted and prepared–as much as they can be anyway. Each child started by telling us their name (like we don’t know who they are, right?) and showing us a drawing. Daniel went first. When he held up his drawing I totally lost it. I’m his!!! His drawing had Adam and I on each side with four children drawn inbetween. Above the drawing he had written “I love you mother and father.” I’m pretty sure I cried the rest of the conference.

Juan Pablo’s drawing was of a house and happy sun and clouds with “I love you mother.” Maria Daniela drew a giant heart. I’m not sure where Esmeralda’s drawing was. Of course, she was on the end and kept getting pushed out of the conversation. It was so cute because she tried reaching over the other children for the microphone so she could have her moment.

We talked about their favorite colors, and soccer, and pets! Daniel told papi that he is doing well in school now, and gave him a thumbs up! Juan Pablo is a little stinker. He’s so little and full of energy. He totally picks on his sisters even though he’s smaller than they are. It was quite endearing to watch him in action. Maria Daniela wasn’t shy like we thought she might be. She was right in there with the rest of the kids–raising her hand and getting excited when we asked her questions. Esmeralda is as adorable as the picture. You can tell she’s the mother of the bunch. She hangs back, but doesn’t let the others push her around.

I posted all the pictures! The pics that look like a white screen are the children’s drawings. They are each different though. I think if you zoom in, you’ll be able to see them better. Adam is working on purchasing a program that will allow us to record Monday’s session. That’s right–we get to see them again on Monday. If you have a question you want answered, send it to me and I’ll do my best.

 Thanks everyone for the support yesterday–it meant so much!

Well, Adam and I are about to talk to our kids for the first time. Yep, in two short hours. I wish I could say I am a ball of emotions or completely beside myself. In all honesty, I feel nothing. I know I still hold on to thoughts of self-preservation that have guarded me through the past four years. I know I need to let go and feel. But it is difficult. I am still quite sure that at any moment our adoption will fall out from under us. And that is what keeps me protecting my heart.

I do cry sometimes when I walk into their bedrooms or think about the pain that has been a part of their lives. I have cried over the overwhelming generosity and support of friends and family. But I do not think I have cried for joy yet–you know that tender feeling that comes with the thought “I am finally a mother.” I think that will happen when I am in Colombia, but probably not until the judge has signed the papers. Or maybe it will happen once we have boarded the plane for Las Vegas. I’m not sure when, but I know it will happen–someday!

At the behest of a sweet friend, we will set up cameras to capture the moment this afternoon. Perhaps, you will even be able to catch a glimpse of their faces–not really sure how it will work. We will update as much as we can on the situation this evening.