I am so excited about this adoption. I am so grateful that we followed our hearts and went forward with faith last October.

It was one year ago that I had “the break-down.” Thanks to some serious soul-searching, prodding by family members, and some lucky (blessed) breaks…we put the first of our money down and officially started the process that we had been preparing ourselves for! Within a month of filling out the application, we had a pre-referral for the four sunshines that now brighten and warm our home. Their picture stared us in the face every night as we went to bed for eight months. Now that they are officially ours (it’s already been 10 weeks–can you believe that!), our home is full of life and energy.

I have been asked the question, “do you really truly love them?” a few times by genuinely curious and well-meaning friends and family. My answer is an honest and resounding “YES.” Our love grows for each other every day. Sometimes, I catch myself feeling it grow. I will look at one of the children after they have done something super cute or super naughty, and I am stopped in my tracks because I realize that I love them more than the day or week before. The children’s love for each other is also growing. The other night I was laying in bed with the girls talking and bonding. They were each sitting on a side of me chattering on about school and such. After awhile they snuggled in under my arms. Daniela reached her hand across me, touched Ezzy’s arm and said a heart-felt, “I love you, Ezzy.” Ezzy reciprocated and then they both fell asleep.

For those who were in Bogota with us, you know what a break-through this is. They both truly meant it. They have started to view each other as sisters instead of just housemates. In fact, right now Daniela is dragging Ezzy around with her because she wants her company. Last night, at the Brummett’s pool party, Danny was giving rides to Juan Pablo on his back. He has stopped the constant pestering of his brother this past week or so, and started to be kinder to him. Great strides are being made in this house. 

Although we have loved our children from the beginning, we have started to see the fruits of our parenting labors, and it is an amazing feeling. My love for my husband has grown as I watch him “handle” our kids with a joyful smile and the patience of Job. It is difficult to explain in words how we love these little people that were inserted into our lives. We just do! It isn’t exactly apples to apples, but I think of it in terms of my relationship with Adam. I didn’t just randomly love him at first. But now, my whole world revolves around our love for and commitment to each other. I love him more than anybody else. In that light, it is not hard to see how I continue to grow in love and tenderness for each of our children.

In the spirit of loving honesty, our love was not deep and abiding for our sunshines in the beginning. But the hope of something wonderful allowed us to make the commitment–just like our marriage to each other. And now–10 weeks later– I feel like their mother. I am their mother! As I have continued to love and nurture, the role of care-taker has seamlessly slipped into that of mother–in my eyes and the children’s. 

Every month I HOPE and FEAR that I am pregnant. But that has nothing to do with the sunshines that wake up every morning and greet me with a “buenos dias” or more recently “good morning.” They make me so happy. Adam hates to be away from them. And I find myself wanting them home when they are at school. Our adoption hasn’t been able to heal the grief of our miscarriages, but that was never our intention in adopting. Of course, we hoped it would help a little as a side-effect, but that is just rehashing a previous topic. What is more important is that our adoption has brought complete joy and love into our lives and the lives of our friends and family. It is almost indescribable, seriously. You have to see these four kids in action to truly grasp the magnitude of their joyful spirits. They are grateful, they are humble, they are happy!!!

I am so blessed to be their mother. I can’t wait for the rest of you to meet them. :)

Aside from immunizations and learning the ropes of their new home, the kids also got to know family and friends their first week in Las Vegas. We went swimming at the Brummett’s home. The kids had a total blast, and now they call Valerie, Tia La Pisina. Our first Sunday went well. We wondered how the kids would react to church in English. They were really good, and every Sunday gets easier and easier. Going to school was an experience–but you’ve already been informed of the lice trauma we encountered. The few pics below that are not of the pool date are of our attempt to register the children at school. Hopefully, you will find as much joy and hilarity as we do when we view the video below. It sums up the crazy wonderful discovery of childhood that now gratefully fills our home. (I promise, even if you are kidless…it is really funny!)

And this concludes our journey to Bogota and back. You can continue to peek into our everyday lives as a family at: www.ourlittlemcfamily.com However, I plan to continue posting adoption and fertility related posts here. There is so much to say. So much to learn. So much to share. And I am grateful for the open forum this blog has created for me to do so with friends, family and others. I know that our journey as a family has just begun. I know my fertility woes are not over. I am grateful that I can share all of it here. Thanks for being a part of our lives!!!

Adoption is not the same. It is not the same as creating life. I know there are many people who disagree with that statement. But for me, it is truth. My belief system holds that I was put here on this earth to gain a body, find joy, and have children. Okay, that is really oversimplified, but still true. I never thought this adoption would fill the hole inside of me that longs to bring forth life. I never once thought that when we finally brought our kids home my fertility woes would somehow disappear…that the past 4-1/2 years of disappointment and loss would “be healed.” I always knew there would be an emptiness inside of me regardless of the adoption miracle of which we are a part.

And even still, I hoped. I hoped that our four children would fill my empty arms. I hoped that somehow I would no longer be jealous of my friends’ growing bellies. I hoped that my intentions of grace and goodness would overshadow the loneliness and isolation infertility inevitably brings.

But to be painfully honest, that has not happened. In fact, just the opposite has occurred. I find myself a bit sullen when I hear friends talking about their pregnancy plans. Because, you see, they can do that. They can decide if and when and how they will have a baby. They can decide when to “start trying” so that it fits in perfectly with their summer vacation or their debt payment plan or any other topic they decide to plan around. And sure, there is risk involved with every pregnancy. Miscarriage is a very sad and unfortunate side-effect of our imperfect mortal bodies. But the risk is much less for them.

A well-meaning adoptive mother wrote a beautiful letter to me outlining her experiences with pregnancy and adoption just before we left for Bogota. I thank her for sharing so openly. She wrote, “…The thing that (name removed) really taught me is that pregnancy is not that big of a deal. That you love your bio kids the same as you love your adopted kids. That color or blood- ties really do not matter. Pregnancy, nursing, babies, are soooooo temporary, they are gone in a blink, but motherhood is eternal. Being a mother is what matters…………………….The hope that once your children are home and settled and healed, that you will love them so much that you would not want to be a mother any other way. You will actually be glad that you had infertility because it gave you your children. You will be glad that it cost so much and took so long because it helped you appreciate them all the more….”

Unfortunately, I do not feel the same way. I believe that pregnancy is a VERY big deal. If God gave me the power to procreate, how can it not be? If this world ran as it should, there would be no orphans. There would be no need for adoption. There would be no need of rescue. So I disagree. I wish desperately that I had given birth to these four angels that bless our home. I wish that I had been with them since birth. I wish that they did not endure the things they did while waiting for someone to love them. I will always wish that they had come to me another way. And I find no shame in admitting that. I will never be grateful for the $45,000 we just spent to adopt. The suffering of infertility is enough for me to appreciate them. And being a mother is what matters. That much is true. But for me, as the person I am, I will always wish for the experience of bringing life into this world.

I believe my trial will always be to find joy and light in the suffering of infertility. I was sitting in church yesterday thinking of a couple of friends who are on their way to being pregnant, and I got “that feeling.” You know, the feeling that screams out…”I won’t like her baby, I don’t think I can look at her belly in five or six months, I can’t visit her in the hospital–it’s just too painful.” And then I pulled myself back into reality. The thought came to me that Jesus Christ loves me more than the pain he felt during his sacrifice. He could have said, “Oh, it’s too painful. I’m going to stop now.” We all know he wanted to. He cried out for his Father’s help. But he continued on and followed through because he loves me. Well, I love my friends and my sisters. And their joy is more important to me than my pain. People ask me how I do it sometimes. And that is how. Sometimes I lose focus. But I am trying to be better. And focusing on the Savior’s example helps remind me that I have so much to be grateful for. I have four really awesome kids now. I hope that they will someday help heal my heart. But it is not yet.

We pretty much had non-stop visitors our first week. Yeah, we know what all the books and “experts” say about bonding and attachment and over-stimulating, but we feel that the love and support of our friends and family has only helped the children feel more secure. Plus, it has given us opportunities to more quickly teach who is really in charge. Our entire support system has been phenomenal in directing the children back to Adam and I as the authority figures. No one has tried to take on the nurturer or disciplinary roles. Thank you so much friends and family for helping us on this journey. Also, living life as usual around here has given us the opportunity to teach the children about hugging and touching people that aren’t mom and dad. It is slow, but boundaries are starting to emerge in their minds. I can see them being formed every day.

Our children are thriving, and our support system has helped in the process. I know this is not the way for everyone, but it is the way for us. We’ve been swimming, camping, out to eat, over to friends’ and family’s homes, shopping, to the movies, and hiking this past month. Instead of shaping our lives around these new creatures, we have been able to insert them into our lives–and they love it. They love the activity. They love the love that they feel. They love the opportunities. They love school. And they are so grateful for everything we give them. This is the positive part of the adoption. The kids are truly happy.

One of the first things we did was have Rob and Jaime come over to go through the entire house with the kids, like we did with the apartment in Bogota. This helped tremendously. We had already trained the children to remove their shoes etc… so a lot of what we went over was familiar. But there were also things like the DISHWASHER and CLOTHES DRYER and CRAFT AREA and CHORES that had to be explained. Robert did a fantastic job:

After the explaining was over the kids played with Rob and Jaime for hours…legos, lincoln logs, bracelet making. You name it, they wanted to play with it. We knew that the first week would be one of discovery in the house. Things have calmed down since, but we really did not mind the mess of the first week. It was joyful!!! And hey, the kids now know how to load the dishwasher. :) That is a bonus in my book.

You do notice the two princesses bonding above, right?

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We also had to immunize the children the first full day we were in Las Vegas. Oh man, what a welcome they received–six shots total for each child. But it allowed them to register for school the next week. We are actually due for their follow-up Hep shots. I don’t think I will tell them where we are going. Maybe they have forgotten what the building looks like.

At least the clinic was doing immunizations on that particular Saturday. Otherwise, I would not have had Adam’s help. He held each child down for the shots while I rallied the waiting troops in the other room. The screams should have broken my heart, but instead it cracked me up because each child came out of the screaming ordeal saying that it didn’t hurt that much. So I ask myself, why did I have to endure an hour of blood curdling screams in the waiting area? The anticipation was too much for them I think. And they even got some of the other anxious kids in the room crying prematurely. Adam and I could not stop laughing as we walked out. I am pretty sure we will not be getting any “parents of the year” award any time soon. At least we took them to Red Robin for a post-immunization celebration complete with chocolate milkshakes. Man, these kids have it so good now. All I ever got was a “good job, rach” or maybe a $0.50 cone from McDonalds. :)

Well, after getting a good night’s sleep in LA (not really) we headed home to Las Vegas. However, what McCracken trip would be complete without a few stops? :) First, we stopped for lunch in LA with my good friend, Marisa, and her three blond beauties….Lainey, Malia, and Lyndie. Lunch was awesome. We ate Mexican–for which I am very grateful. It was soooooo yummy! Marisa drove down from Ventura just to see us. It was so nice to catch up with my dear friend. Marisa and Justin had three under three for a time, and they have been 120% supportive of our journey. Marisa also speaks fluent Spanish so the kids had fun speaking to her. She and the girls made us a CD of Spanish songs for the drive home. The kids ask to listen to it every time we get in the car. They love it, Marisa!!! We are looking forward to a trip to the beach where we can actually spend some quality time with their family.

Marisa and her girls were too kind in packing goodie bags for each of the children for the drive. They each got a new blanket (which are now their “travel blankets”), some snacks and drinks, and a writing tablet with pen and colors. The children were in heaven the whole way home. Here are a few pics of the event:

I seem to only steal small glimpses of time with my sweet friends that I made almost EIGHT years ago while teaching in Taiwan. And even though eight years, along with many milestones, have passed they remain some of my most trusted friends. Thank goodness for blogs and email, right? Marisa is one of those friends. And I am so grateful that we still occasionally find the time to steal in-person glimpses together.

After lunch with Marisa, we dropped Tia Jena off at the hotel so that she could reunite with her family and spend some time relaxing at the beach. Heaven knows she needed it after a week in Bogota with the four crazy kids we decided to bring back with us. :) You might ask why I added pictures of Nicole and Juan P. in their car seats. Well, you can imagine the surprise when they found out those seats were just for them. We thought that perhaps they wouldn’t want to be buckled in and confined, but the opposite ended up happening. The two older children pouted because they didn’t get seats. We ended up getting them booster seats anyway because they are still not tall enough for the seat-belts. I am so glad we documented their very first car-seat experience. And they continue to love their seats. They don’t fight the seat-belt rule, and they always make sure I am buckled in, as well.

Last, but not least, we stopped in Victorville to see great-grandparents Chapman. They had root beer floats and stuffed animals awaiting the munchkins. Great-grandpa played the organ for us, and we took a few pictures. Thanks for letting us stop for a few minutes to rest and see you. The kids LOVED it.

We finally arrived in Las Vegas around 8:00 p.m. just as darkness was emerging and the lights of the city illuminated it. We woke the children up, and they started chanting * familia mccracken las vegas, familia mccracken las vegas* They stayed awake the next twenty minutes as we made our way to our home. Here is the video I captured as we approached the last mile toward our home:


We have more video and lots of pictures of the party that awaited the kids, but we are waiting for them from our friends. As soon as we have it, I will post….but you get the idea. WE ARE FINALLY HOME!!!

Here the kids are staring out the window from our Radisson hotel room wondering where I had gone. After accomplishing passports, doctor’s check, and sending Uncle Brian back home to Utah, we managed to get ourselves to the Embassy to obtain the children’s travel visas. Here’s a little secret about the embassy visit–they really try and push you through if you have three or four little ducklings following you. We were in and out in just under two hours. It went quickly, and the children did so awesome. Jena and I were really proud of them. We have no embassy pictures because you have to check all camera equipment at the gate. Here’s the run-down for those who are in route: you should separate all your documents for each child and put them into separate envelopes. Whichever window takes those documents from you is the one that will tell you if there is any sort of hiccup with the paperwork–if you pass that window, you can make your travel plans. After you hand off the documents, you wait to pay for the visas–YES, the embassy does take credit/debit cards (I know there is some old information out there, and it doesn’t expressly say on the application–but it is true), and when you are paying for four of them, it is nice not to have to carry that much cash around. After you pay for the visas, you wait for the final window to call you up and give you a return appointment slip for the next day. That slip allows you to pick up your visas after 3:00 p.m. the following day. That’s the embassy in a nutshell. One annoying thing–for those of us who struggle with Spanish is that it is impossible to hear your name being called. Yes, everything is in Spanish…and yes, it is the US Embassy. :) If it wasn’t for a nice lady who noticed we were the ones they were calling, we would have had to wait a really long time. Thank you, nice lady!

It rained, and rained, and rained, and rained our last day in Bogota–like drenching flooding rain. IT WAS AWESOME!!! A big thanks to Jena for watching the kids for me as I went to the embassy to pick up the visas–children aren’t allowed back in on the following day. We thought that we would take the kids swimming and then to McDonalds to kill the last few hours of time. It was a blast. The kids loved the pool. I even took three of them again the following morning before going to the airport. Although they sank like bricks–they loved trying.

We picked up our children on Tuesday, 5 August 2008. We got “the phone call” on the night of Wednesday, 27 August 2008. We boarded the plane on Thursday, 4 September 2008. That means it took us five working days to accomplish all the post-sentencia “stuff.” That’s not bad considering the hiccups we had along the way. WOW!!! Including the few extra days that were there pre-children, I spent five weeks in-country. I can’t believe that it actually happened. Okay, don’t let me digress.

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We headed to the airport and the children all got really really silent. Jena and I kept looking at each other trying to figure out what each child was thinking about. It is times like that that I wish desperately to be able to communicate with them beyond the basics. I know it will come, but those poignant moments are important to me. Anyway, the kids traveled like champs, seriously. They were perfect from the moment we left Bogota until the moment they crawled into their hotel beds in L.A. at two in the morning. I was so proud of them. Danny couldn’t stop staring out the window of the plane. As we took off for the first time, all four children shouted, “muy muy rapido!” It was in unison and completely unscripted, which made it absolutely hilarious. All of the passengers around us were cracking up. Danny’s little legs kept kicking faster and faster in the seat to try and keep up.

I will never ever forget that first take-off. We changed them into their pajamas in Costa Rica and they slept for about five of the six hours we were on board. In fact, we didn’t even have to share our DVD players with them. (oh, the simple pleasures) All four children were obsessed with the music buttons and the earphones that the plane provided. That alone kept them each entertained for about an hour. The food kept them occupied for the rest of the time. :) I was so proud of each of them for behaving appropriately. Even going through US Immigration didn’t take too long. And at the point, the kids mostly just vegged on the ground because they were so tired.

The best part of the whole trip was wrapping our arms around Adam. Standing outside of LAX next to our own vehicle with our own children was totally and completely surreal. That moment is impressed upon my mind, and will be forever.