It’s November. Those closest to me know what that means. I think it is getting easier. I really do. I was a bit weepy the first week of the month, but then nothing. I don’t think about our first lost baby as much as I used to.
I knew the ninos would slowly and eventually help me heal. I knewÂ it in my head, but my heart didn’t rely on the ideaÂ much. And how could it a year ago? This time last year I was a three month old momÂ to four little strangers who didn’t speak my language. It was joyful to have them in my life. But it was still too early for me to completely let go of my could-have-beens.
I have grown up a lot this year. I feel less of a need to holdÂ tightly to my infertility badge. Instead of feeling like a proudÂ adoptive mom who was wronged by the fertility gods, I feel more like just a mom. I still see and feel a need to mourn the losses in my life that have made me more graceful. That will never change. My compassion meter has increased in ways that only loss can provide. I am grateful to be more compassionate. I am softer.
I have privately mourned two more miscarriages since last November. They were easier to work through than the first four years worth. In fact, I even like babies a little more now. I told my girlfriends the other day that I was thinking about getting a swing andÂ Bumbo for the house so that their babies are more comfortable. After I realized what I had said, we kind of just looked at each other, commentedÂ and laughed a little. There was no need to talk about it for hours. It is visiblyÂ becoming easier for me.Â Having babies aroundÂ is more comfortable for me. That makes me feelÂ a little lighter inside. Walls that were built up so thickly around my heart continue to crumble bit by bit, as I continue my journey through motherhood. The person I want to become is more and more in my sights.
Now, I am not so healed that I never have twinges of hurt or irrational jealousy.Â At times, glowing pregnantÂ women still take my breath away. Forcing me to holdÂ a baby or play with it probably isn’t the best course of action. But all in all, things are better. I wonder what my November post will look like in five or ten years.