a year of healing

It’s November. Those closest to me know what that means. I think it is getting easier. I really do. I was a bit weepy the first week of the month, but then nothing. I don’t think about our first lost baby as much as I used to.

I knew the ninos would slowly and eventually help me heal. I knew it in my head, but my heart didn’t rely on the idea much. And how could it a year ago? This time last year I was a three month old mom to four little strangers who didn’t speak my language. It was joyful to have them in my life. But it was still too early for me to completely let go of my could-have-beens.

I have grown up a lot this year. I feel less of a need to hold tightly to my infertility badge. Instead of feeling like a proud adoptive mom who was wronged by the fertility gods, I feel more like just a mom. I still see and feel a need to mourn the losses in my life that have made me more graceful. That will never change. My compassion meter has increased in ways that only loss can provide. I am grateful to be more compassionate. I am softer.

I have privately mourned two more miscarriages since last November. They were easier to work through than the first four years worth. In fact, I even like babies a little more now. I told my girlfriends the other day that I was thinking about getting a swing and Bumbo for the house so that their babies are more comfortable. After I realized what I had said, we kind of just looked at each other, commented and laughed a little. There was no need to talk about it for hours. It is visibly becoming easier for me. Having babies around is more comfortable for me. That makes me feel a little lighter inside. Walls that were built up so thickly around my heart continue to crumble bit by bit, as I continue my journey through motherhood. The person I want to become is more and more in my sights.

Now, I am not so healed that I never have twinges of hurt or irrational jealousy. At times, glowing pregnant women still take my breath away. Forcing me to hold a baby or play with it probably isn’t the best course of action. But all in all, things are better. I wonder what my November post will look like in five or ten years.

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7 Responses to a year of healing

  1. Jes says:

    “Instead of feeling like a proud adoptive mom who was wronged by the fertility gods, I feel more like just a mom.” Rach, this is key!

  2. rachel says:

    It is key. I don’t know for sure, but I am pretty confident that if I had adopted a baby instead of a child/children it would have been different in the beginning. That feeling of momness would have come more quickly. It might have been a little easier to feel like a new mommy….instead of someone who should know it all….because the ages of my children say to the outside world that I have been doing this mom thing for a lot longer than I really have.

    All I know now is that I am grateful to be a mom no matter how I got here. :)

  3. paul says:

    just thought i would drop by and say hi

  4. Jena says:

    I love you!!

  5. valerie says:

    I know that every year as Carter’s Birthday aproaches I think of you! I have no idea how you must feel but I know that you are amazing and I have learned so much from being your friend. Love you!

  6. Jaime Lynne says:

    “Boooooo” November. Yay Ninos! And ita with Jes. What an incredible statement. You have grown so much.

  7. Jaimee Hirschi says:

    I’m grateful to have a sister as strong and compassionate as you.. I love you and it’s hard for me to be one of the one’s you may have irrational jealousy of sometimes :( But I’m so happy for you and the progress your making w/your personal trials and struggles. I look up to you in so many ways…

    BTW I’ve been a mom for almost 9 yrs and I truly feel like you have this mom thing down way better than me most days so that goes to show for something :-) Your an incredible mother!

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