Look at those eyes!!! Isn’t she gorgeous? Our second day together was spent looking at, signing papers for, and getting ready to move into an apartment. It was a very long day for all of, and the children kept begging to go back to la casa. They didn’t understand what was going on, and we had no choice. Zuetana was most definitely NOT the place for us. The staff is very nice and accommodated whatever we needed, but the price was crazy. It was going to cost us $10,000-12,000 for six weeks for two tiny rooms for six people. Now that did include 1/2 pension (two meals/day), but we were quoted, in writing, half the price they eventually charged us. Regardless, our room at the Radisson, which included an amazing breakfast, and had a spa, pool, and direct TV was only $170/night.

For those preparing for Colombia, here’s my personal take on Zuetana. It is most definitely NOT the place for anyone adopting more than two small children. It is in a good part of town and is very safe. The social director does a good job of having activities for the children and organizing tour groups etc. But that didn’t make up for our needs as a family living here for six weeks.

What we didn’t like:
The rooms are very dark.
Our room didn’t have windows at all.
There was no outside play area (at the location we were at–there are four Zuetana locations).
The wall are paper thin for EVERYONE.
The toilets didn’t work.
The beds were soooo uncomfortable.
The lightbulbs were burned out.
There was nowhere for the children to run and play.
The wi-fi connection was terrible. Actually, Adam was the only one out of the three of us to get a semi-connection.
No hot water in the shower. (We actually heard the front desk worker tell another guest to take a shower in another room because only THAT room had hot water!)

What we did like:
The activities that were planned.
The communal living room had comfy leather couches.
The staff was very very very nice.

Anyway, that’s our take on the place for those who are wondering. Between Betty’s Place and Zuetana, I say it’s a toss-up. But I would have preferred Betty’s. She is soooo great, but she didn’t have room for our large family. And an apartment is better suited for the situation we are in. I really don’t feel like listening to screaming infants in the middle of the night. And I don’t want others to listen to my two littlest as they throw their nightly temper tantrums. Who wants to listen to someone else’s kid scream….especially when it affects your own sleep? So it’s better this way. Daniela and Juan P. can scream their heads off, and I can shut their bedroom doors and not worry about interrupting others’ sleep.

We only landed this apartment because of a friend here in Bogota. It is quite difficult to rent if you are a foreigner, and of course they are charging us more. But that’s okay–I would charge more too if someone only wanted to rent my place for six weeks. Of course, if you’re thinking of renting an apartment while here there are a few reputable online sites that cater to businessmen. We found a few, and even looked at one, but we felt better about staying in the part of town that we were already familiar with. We are close to everything here. If there’s anyone out there that is interested in an apartment option just email us and we can give you the websites. This particular apartment is three bedroom/ two bath with kitchen, dining, and living rooms. There is also a laundry room and maid’s quarters. So we are fairly comfortable. We are paying $2800/month, which is really expensive, but cheaper than Zuetana, the Radisson, and LaFontana.
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So needless to say, we spent most of our second day together looking at apartments and deciding where to stay. We ended up at our friend, Cecelia’s, apartment while Adam drove across town to sign the lease agreement and pay for the place. Her complex is really nice with two playgrounds and a pool. As we entered the grounds, you know where the kids ran off to. They couldn’t believe that Cecilia had a pool at her house. They begged and begged to go swimming, but of course, we didn’t h ave anything with us. So I promised that when grandpa arrived that he and daddy would take them swimming. They are anxiously awaiting grandpa’s arrival. They also want him to take them on the giant slides at Jeno’s Pizza, which is just around the corner–you’ll see those pics on the next post.

Well, you have already seen the pics we have from picking the children up, but I wanted to sketch out the events of the day for their lifebooks.

Dear Little Ones, 

When daddy and I woke up on the morning of 5 August 2008 we knew that our lives and yours would change forever, and we were very excited. Daddy was really nervous. I was surprisingly calm. In fact, I haven’t been nervous or anxious since we arrived safely in Bogota. Grandma Penning said that this was the first time she had ever seen your daddy visibly nervous. It’s true–we don’t see that very often because he’s so steady and even. I kept teasing him that if he had been emotional and anxious over the past year like I had been that he wouldn’t be nervous at all. I had already worked it all out. :) We were at the Radisson Hotel. Everyone there was so nice and supportive. The girls at the front desk thought that we were crazy and amazing at the same time. But like all of the Colombians we have met, they thought that you deserved a home, and they were glad that we were in their country to provide that for you.

We quickly rushed our baggage to Zuetana where we thought we would be staying the remainder of our time in country. We had just enough time to check our bags in and head to CRAN to go over paperwork and wait anxiously for you. CRAN’s head facility (which is at a different location than Club Michin)is in Sabu which is West Bogota against the mountains. You were hiding in one room while we signed papers for 45 minutes or so. Ximena, the founder and director of CRAN, is wonderful. She was so concerned about your well-being, and she was very grateful that you were going to daddy and me.

Once we were ready to receive you, Ximena and Maria Cristina took grandma out of the room so she could get video of you waiting (which didn’t actually turn out) so she was the first person you actually saw. We could hear you on the stairs yelling, “abuelita, abuelita!” You knew exactly who she was. It took a room of workers to hold you back. Grandma said you were like a heard of elephants as you stampeded down the hall. We have video that shows the rest of the visit, but just so you know, you were excited and beaming. You couldn’t wait to show us your schoolwork and your photo albums that we made you. You hugged and kissed both daddy and me. Daniela wanted to sit on my lap. Juan Pablo wanted to show dad every single piece of paper he owned. Esmeralda wanted to talk to both of us and looked so gorgeous in turquoise. Daniel was standing back, just as excited, letting his brothers and sisters get in the action first. He eventually brought his photo album over to me, still wrapped in bubble wrap, with the biggest toothless smile I’ve ever seen.

After about 15 minutes with all of you, the psychologists and social worker came back in the room to say their goodbyes and take pictures. When you realized you were leaving for good only Princess Daniela melted down. You curled up in a little ball and wouldn’t let go of your beloved psychologist. We eventually were able to pick you up and carry you out. By the time we got outside you were holding daddy’s hand and walking. Daniela, you are so our little drama queen. At least I can honestly say you didn’t get it from me!!! :)

We loaded you all in the van and we were off, as a family!!!

Hey kids,

Well, we’re at four days and counting. Of course, that is four days until we leave for Bogota. We’re still 10 days away from smothering you with hugs and kisses. I am hard at work on your life-books. Hopefully, you will one day look back at the letters I wrote, the information I gathered , and the adoption entries I created for you and see them all as a gift. I want you to know where you came from and how much you were loved from the beginning. I also want you to see a progression in your papi and me. We love you very much, and we know that love continue to flourish as we grown into a larger family.

Your English tutor, Mario, gave me an update yesterday on how your sessions are going. I am so glad he is finally allowed to meet with you. I plan to help him the entire time I am in Bogota so that we can get a jump start on your English. Mario will be a great help for me the first few weeks since he is obviously fluent in Spanish.

I though I would copy the email here so that you have it one day. Also, I know all of your aunties, grandmas, and others who read this will get a kick out of it.

Hello rachel, how are you?
Today I started the lessons with the kids, we had two hours of class. We saw the vowels, some animals and numbers.
 
Daniel is a very clever boy and really likes to study. His writing is very good.
 
Esmeralda is also very smart, and she likes to do things.
 
Danieladoesn´t like to study very much, she always wants to go to the bathroom to avoid the class, but she is a very good girl and intelligent.
 
Finally Juan pablo, he is the youngest, he is very hyperactive and a very good boy. He does not know  how to write the letters, so I had to start teaching him how to do it.
 
That is my first impression of the kids.
Tomorrow I am going to have another class with them. 

Well, there it is, in all its glory. You will always know what my first impression of each of you academically was by the words written in this email. We are so blessed to have the use of the Internet. I would not have seen you moving around and speaking to me without it. I would not have a picture of you on my computer without it. I would not have the myriad of correspondence about things such as broken arms, anxieties, and school updates. We are very blessed little ones. I love you very much.

 –mami

FINALLY! We received our referral from CRAN two days ago. Yesterday, we had our conference call with Raul to go over some procedural issues. We can now apply for our travel visas. Although we don’t have a confirmed date for our “presentation day, ” we do know that CRAN is still planning on the end of July. So now we just have to wait for that confirmation to book our plane tickets.

In the mean time, we bought a Toyota Sienna. Yep, that’s right, I am driving a minivan around (which I’m in love with, by the way) with no children in tow–kind of funny, actually. I keep thinking I should load the booster seats so that it at least looks like I have kids. Adam and I are also looking for a house so that I can spend the next few weeks getting it ready for the children. Although we would rather be in Colombia right now, we are grateful that we have the extra time to properly prepare for their homecoming.

Part 1……..Part 2

After our second miscarriage (ectopic), I really struggled. I was in survival mode at school….my poor students. I was an adequate teacher and did my job. I met deadlines and followed lesson plans, but I was not the fantastic teacher I had been in years past. Having to traipse to work surrounded by children who had horrific home-lives compounded my sadness. I cried every single morning. I cried every single night. And every single day I slept until the last possible minute. I constantly begged Adam to let me quit. And this went on for months. My sweet beautiful husband was more patient than any spouse should ever have to be. He indulged my laziness and he never suggested that I was crazy. We both knew that things weren’t normal…but how is infertility normal? There were many times Adam considered suggesting that I ”get help,” but he never pressured me. He was wise enough to trust that I would find a way to work through my sadness. As the doctors began to run some basic tests, I began to experience anger and bitterness!

I was so very (secretly) angry. I was angry because everyone around me seemed to keep their babies in their bellies, and I couldn’t. Hello! What was wrong with this world? I hated free agency and I hated myself for continuing to lose life. I would like to say that I kept faith, that I was strong and steadfast. Maybe I’m being a little too hard on myself, but I really did feel faithless. I didn’t pray much. My scriptures gathered dust. I avoided friends’ children as much as I could without drawing suspicion.

The Epiphany: 

Toward the end of 2005 we actively start trying for the third time. I still hated my job, I hated church, I hated interacting with our families. I don’t remember what I was doing ‘that day’–probably coming home from work or the temple–but I remember having the thought…”this is your trial, stop feeling sorry for yourself!” Oh my gosh, an instant switch was flipped. I had never thought about it in those terms before. What seems so elementary to me now was a completely foreign concept back then. I mean, it had crossed my mind that we were running a string of bad luck and I needed to be more faithful. I figured it was just a matter of patience. But no, I had the distinct impression that this was to be my cross (at least one of them anyway) and it wasn’t going away any time soon. I sat in my car by myself and I cried and cried and cried. I cried for the babies I had lost. I cried for the babies I would continue to lose. I cried for the babies I might never have. I cried for the self-serving pity I had shown myself for so long. And I continued to cry.

Why did I keep crying? Because I was mature enough to know that ‘when you know better, you do better.’ Let’s be honest, I did not WANT to do better. I wanted to stay selfish. I now “knew” and God knew that I knew. And there was the rub! I wanted the world to revolve around me so badly. I wanted a baby. I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to be included. I wanted to feel competent in this part of my life. I wanted to…..(fill in the blank). Me, me, me! Life might not be as fulfilling when you blame your hurt on everyone else, but it sure is easier, isn’t it? Instead of reasoning and working my way through my problems, I wanted to stay in my emotions and feel angry, hurt, and betrayed. Feeling doesn’t require any work, which is why the long-term payoff is so much less than what we are capable of. I was reminded as time was suspended for a moment that me not having a baby did not mean I had to be less than. And, in that moment, I refused to be less than!

The false sense of entitlement that we are all plagued with in today’s society truly hampers our spiritual awareness. I am a really good wife, sister, daughter and friend. I kept my first estate. I honor my temple covenants. And I do what is asked of me. But even after all that–I am not entitled to a baby! I “should” have one, I even “deserve” one. But I am not entitled to one until God says so. And the hard truth is that I might not have a baby in this life.

I made a decision in that small moment of clarity…if this was my trial, I would not waste the time spent in the thick of it in pity and bitterness. I set out clearly in my mind what I did and did not want to have happen. I did not want to play the victim card. I did not want to be seen in pity. I did not want to waste my child-rearing years paralyzed in fear. And above all, I did not want the Savior’s sacrifice on my behalf to be in vain.

I asked myself what did I want? I wanted to honor the babies I lost. I wanted to be a mom no matter how I got there. I wanted Heavenly Father to be proud of me. I wanted to stop crying and stop eating ice cream. I wanted my trial to mean something…and that meant forcing myself into introspection and into real-life action. I wanted mostly to walk with grace.

I feel like I’ve been given a profound opportunity with this trial of infertility. Not all trials are this enduring. Not all trials are hand-picked by the Lord. This trial did notcome from poor choices on my part or from a consequence of someone else’s actions. This trial was given to me! Although I sometimes loathe the thought of talking about it one more time or passing one more pregnancy, I have been given this trial for a reason. I really am grateful for that. I am not grateful that I do not have an infant in my arms–but I am grateful that I have gone through, and not around, the experience.

I am still working on perfecting my lists! My friends know that I have occasional relapses. I have selfish moments still, but as I have worked on walking straight through this trial for a few years now, those moments are fewer and farther between. I still want the world to revolve around me, but it doesn’t and it never will. This trial is nobody’s fault–least of all mine. When God says it is done, I want to be richer for the experience. And, we all know that even when it is done–it’s not really. This experience helps define me and will stay with me into the eternities…that is why I try to use reason instead of emotion to walk through this fire. It is arduous and refining. It is never-ending and always enduring. It is harrowing and rewarding. It is simply, and always, a part of me.

In reference to my previous post “friendship and pregnancy” let me dispell any rumors. I’ve had a few inquiries as to who it is…and some false guesses. Sorry, but my ‘friend’ will continue in anonymity for as long as she needs. Lucky for me that my circle of friends and family is wide enough that there are many of us with fertilitiy issues (unfortunately). Many of us are trying to conceive and/or adopt. This is the only reason I felt confident in posting this entry and protecting my friend’s privacy at the same time.

I love that my cirlce of friends continues to expand…high school, college, teaching, scrapping, church, Taiwan, Washington, Las Vegas, and Utah friends are all so amazing. Thank you for letting me into your lives. You surely enrich mine. Perhaps, in a couple of months, I’ll be able to make an announcement about my friend and shout it from the mountain top. But for now–you shall all remain in suspense.

I can’t help but think we are losing our baby. I made it to eight weeks yesterday. And yet, I am not comforted. I try my hardest to think positively, but it doesn’t help. My life is currenty consumed by cramping and bleeding. I lie in bed all day long, for that is the only thing that helps to calm my symptoms. Finally, I go to the doctor tomorrow. We are hoping for some answers. We are hoping to see a heartbeat. We are hoping our baby is OK. However, I think I know what we are going to find and what the doctor is going to say.

 It is difficult for me, at this point, to think about adoption. Not that I don’t want to go forward, just that I’ve been here before, and I know what it takes emotionally to recover and move on. Luckily, my husband is able to compartmentalize things a little better than I. He keeps me anchored to the things that I really want. I don’t even have the motivation right now to finish our homestudy paperwork. I feel like focusing on the adoption takes my energies away from the pregnancy. And the pregnancy needs everything I have right now.

I was finally seen by a doctor today. She couldn’t see anything definitive on the ultrasound, but I’m only 5 weeks so she’s not super concerned. Besides the pain on my right side there is nothing from the check-up that points to another ectopic. However, I’m having my quant levels checked today and Friday so she can get a better picture of where I’m at. If my blood work looks good, she’ll give another ultrasound right after New Year’s. If it doesn’t look good then she’ll give me a methotrexate shot before the tube ruptures. Either way, my nerves are calmed because I’m getting some care from an experienced physician–and I didn’t have to go to the ER! This whole no insurance thing is really frustrating.

The doctor told me that I was absolutely right in pushing to be seen. If I waited another week or two, it would be too late to have the option of the shot, and I would have to have surgery. Plus, we’re hopeful that this is a good one. We’re praying it made its way into the uterus. She thought she saw a faint build-up of blood…we’ll see what happens. I’m actually feeling pregnant. That’s a good sign I think. I am extremely tired in the afternoon and at bedtime. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that before. Dare I say, we are feeling more hopeful!!!

Why is it that plans always change? Why is this one simple task of having children so difficult? This is not a “why me” question, just a why question. I am a woman…I am made to bear children. It is a gift and a birthright. And I also want to do it. I want to raise a family. I want to create a space that keeps some of God’s children warm and safe. So then, why is it that after 2-1/2 years of no pregnancies and finally having a solid secure direction in adoption do we find ourselves five weeks pregnant?

 I’m not sure where this will take us. We are hopeful and scared. Even though we’ve been here before, we’ve never had the element of a progressing adoption to deal with. It’s difficult for me because I want to be excited. Somehow, though, I feel if I get too excited I am betraying my committment to adoption. On the other hand, if I begrudge this blessing, I feel I am dooming it to failure. Our hearts will break if we have to leave our Colombia referral behind. Adam and I know in our hearts that we want to adopt no matter what comes of any pregnancies that bless our family. I’m just frustrated and anxious, and I’m somewhat waiting for ‘the other shoe to drop’ as they say.

There is an intense amount of guilt inside of me, and I’m still processing this shocking news myself. I guess time will tell. Every time I use the restroom or feel a cramp I fear the worst. I told a friend last night that I feel like Pavlov’s dog…I’ve been trained by experience to think this way. And yet, every time I look at my nephew I think of how wonderful it would be to see myself looking back at me in nine months.

What will be will be. I pray for grace to bless my soul so that I may deal with whatever comes of the pit stop.

Let’s be honest, this is kind of weird for me! I’m not used to blogging without cool pictures and awesome content like trips and holidays to draw inspiration from. I’m hoping this part of our blog site will be more like an adoption journal (including back journaling). There is so much about our fertility/adoption journey that I want to remember, preserve, and ultimately share. I’ve been meaning to start this for a LONG time now. I guess the thought of a little family on the way has spurred me to action. :)

I’m sure some people (even myself at times) wonder why? Why would I want to share something so personal, so deep, and, at times, so sad? I have deliberated over and debated about this quite a bit. My main motives are as follows:

1. I want to put pen to my thoughts…to my pain and to my joy. The feelings I have felt the past few years have been real and intense and long-lasting. I don’t want to forget a single moment. No matter how painful, I want to remember every time a friend or sister announced a pregnancy, every time I miscarried, every time I was poked, prodded, and paraded in front of doctors, and every time we vacillated between remaining childless, pursuing adoption, or continuing to endure fertility treatment. I MUST Remember! Otherwise, my trial means nothing. It is in the remembering that I draw strength. Journaling is obviously cathartic for me.
2. I want to preserve the lessons learned. By journaling my experiences, I solidify the growth within me. I never knew I was capable of so much compassion. Don’t get me wrong–I still have a long way to go. However, I feel more deeply for those in the midst of trials…I am much more cognizant. I am much quicker to give comfort. I am more sensitive. I allow myself to cry more.
3. I want to share this story with my children, and perhaps others. My children will need to know one day what I went through in finding them, and how I was led to each of them. They will need to know that just as they endured tragedy and cruelness before they came to us, we endured much sadness and trial before bringing them home. They will need to know how unconditional our love is for them.

My end goal is to put all of my thoughts and experiences into a book…mostly as a gift to myself and my children. It is the only way I know how to make sense of what I’ve experienced. I look forward to writing down many things here. I hope that any of those peeking in on my personal journey will reverence it and enjoy it.